Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it...until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Bob
Slydell: I admit it, I'm a Michael Bolton fan! I celebrate
the guy's entire collection! For my money it doesn't get any
better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"!
Tom
Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat"! You see,
you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on
Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever
heard!
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea!
Lawrence:
Hey Peter, check it out, channel 9, it's the breast exams!
Samir:
No! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no
paper jam! I swear to God one of these days I'm just going
to kick this piece of shit out of the window.
Peter
Gibbons: He's going to ask me to work on Sunday and
I'm going to do it, because I'm a pussy, which is why I
work at Initech in the first place.
Michael Bolton: Hey, I work at Initech and I don't
consider myself a pussy.
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
Peter
Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks
at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars,
you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that,
man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook
that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up
on me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you, what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day,
I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to
do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke,
don't do shit.
Peter
Gibbons: I don't like my job and I don't think I'll
go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know. But I really don't like
it and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Uh-uh. Not really. I'm just gonna
stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: So you're going to get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'll like another job.
Joanna: Well what are you going to do about money?
Bills?
Peter Gibbons: You know I never really liked paying
bills, I don't think I'm going to do that either.
Bob
Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical
day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least
fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door--that way
Lumberg can't see me, heh--after that I sorta space out
for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but
it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another
hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably
only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Bob
Slydell: I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons.
We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just
a straight shooter with upper management written all over
him.
Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: Next Friday...is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Steve:
Hi, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to
be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay
clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
Michael
Bolton: We're not going to some white collar resort
prison. No, no, no! We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE
ASS prison!
Drew:
I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics.
If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You
know: Oh! Oh!
Peter:
Hey Lawrence, you wanna come over?
Lawrence: No thanks, dude. I don't need you fuckin'
up my life, too.
Peter
Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I
realized, ever since I started working, every single day
of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that
means that every single day that you see me, that's on the
worst day of my life.
Therapist: What about today? Is today the worst day
of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Therapist: Wow, that's messed up!
Bob: Looks like you've been missing quite a bit of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't say I've been MISSING
it, Bob.
Peter Gibbons: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
Samir:
No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right.
It's not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least you're name
isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that
name.
Michael Bolton: There WAS nothing wrong with it.
Until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent-ass-clown
because famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Why don't you just go by Mike, instead of
Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He's
the one who sucks.
Bob
Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Bill Lumbergh: Who's he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles
a lot.
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record
of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found
that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five
years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind
of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the
glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor.
We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a
paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation,
whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.
Peter
Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level
graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual
deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No! No, of course not! We find it's
always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically
shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do
it at the end of the week.
Peter
Gibbons: It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't
care.
Peter
Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to
"Vibe"?
Joanna: You know what, Stan. If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Peter
Gibbons: ''You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.'' |
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